Carnelle & The Lund Breakfast Club vs. Morgan F&%king Freeman

In the shadows of great darkness, there are fragments of tiny light... little pieces that cling to the ripped edges of sadness, like glitter on drab cloth. These are sudden friends... the people I have been spending my time with for the past two weeks. Some are coworkers. Some are castmates, theatre folk- or dating theatre folk! :) They have been slowly sewing the edges of my life back together, piece by piece. And I am eternally grateful to them for this.

Whether they realize it or not, they have been saving my mind from racking itself on coals, searching for an answer to the question plaguing my diseased mind... "WHY??" Why did you feel the need to date me and engage me so thoroughly, then once you'd taken it all, disappear as silently as you came into my life?? For once, I thought I was doing things the right way. For once, I let myself be duped into active love. Am I doomed to the inactive variety? Must I spend several years wondering if I am in possession of a heart incapable of mutual affection? ...If you are the answer to my question, I'll never ask again...

Still, spending an entire paragraph on you grinds me well enough. I'm finished.

"You were wrong. You were right. You are gone, tonight..."

My focus, therefore, is on you, my friends. The ones who give me hope that I am not a total failure. That I am good and fun and alive and thriving. That I have something more to give the world.

And that, my dearest Lund and FCC crew, is actually worth giving my whole heart to.

"This is how it works:
You peer inside yourself.
You take the things you like,
And try to love the things you took.
And then you take that love you made,
And stick it into some...
Someone else's heart,
Pumpin' someone else's blood.
And walkin' arm in arm,
You hope it don't get harmed.
But even if it does,
You'll just do it all again..."

"American Tune" -Paul Simon

"Many are the times I've been mistaken,
And many times confused.
Yes, and I've often felt forsaken
And certainly misused.
Oh, but I'm all right, I'm all right,
Just weary to my bones.
Still, you don't expect to be
Bright and bon vivant
So far away from home, so far away from home...

And I don't know a soul who's not been battered.
I don't have a friend who feels at ease.
I don't know a dream that's not been shattered
Or driven to its knees.
But it's all right, it's all right,
for we lived so well so long.
Still, when I think of the
road we're traveling on,
I wonder what's gone wrong.
I can't help it, I wonder what's gone wrong..."

Nope... It's Not Easy Tonight

"You were wrong.
You were right.
You are gone
Tonight.
You were free,
So alive.
You were wrong.
You were right...

Shot down,­ said you never had the chance
Took a ride on a suicide romance.
Could have sworn there was somebody home
To facilitate the great unknown...

... I ain’t gonna meet you anywhere,
Don’t know where I’m goin' yet,­
But I sure am gettin' there..."

"Stand Too Close" by Motion City Soundtrack

"If I stand too close,
I might fall in.
But if I'm too far gone,
I'll never win.
If you believe in me,
I might just wanna spend some time with you again...

I'm afraid I tend to disappear
Into an anxious state
When you draw near.
There is no reasoning.
It's quite a silly thing,
But it's the way I've been for years...

So I will understand if you don't stay.
They say I'm great at first,
But then the magic fades
Into an awful hue of dismal views
And pessimistic attitudes...

All this distance,
Years of sweet resistance
Swirling overhead like angry clouds of discontent!

I have apologized a billion times
When I've gone off the wall
Like Buster Rhymes
And pulled a stupid stunt
That left you thinking
There was something wrong with me.
You've thrown a few choice phrases at my way,
And I've ignored them all
As best I could,
Except that tiny bit
How I just can't commit-
There is some truth in what you say...

All this distance,
Years of sweet resistance
Swirling overhead like angry clouds of discontent!

If I stand too close,
I might fall in.
But if I'm too far gone,
I'll never win.
If you believe in me,
I might just wanna spend some time with you again.
I'll spend time with you again!

If I stand too close,
I might fall in.
But if I'm too far gone,
I'll never win.
If you believe in me,
I might just wanna spend some time with you again..."

Angry Mix CD

So...
What is it?

How do you go from one moment,
Surly, strong, "furrowing like a lionness,"
To crawling, tedious, toad-like?
I don't get it.
How did the girl in me
Get this way?

Oh. That's right.
For somehow, I abandoned your thoughts.
For some way, my touch turned like ice.
For something in my smile was no longer bright
Or shiny
Or perfect.
The light left the room
In the small hours spent
In the small of your arms-
Tangled, supple, sweet-like in me
No more...

Just please.
Give me.
One.
Good.
Reason.
For why
Things have
Changed so
Much in
Three
Weeks
Time.

A Few Late Night Musings...

The following passages I typed in my phone at night, when I felt inspired but had no pen or paper to commit anything to. I am now putting them out into the universe, for better or worse- lol. They aren't related to each other. Each is a separate thought, muddled expression, or verse from a different evening's mental bumblings.

- "Faith makes things possible, not easy."

- If anything, when the walls DO come down, I shall be a pile of rubble. And a useful pile at that... :)

- The reckoning is here to stay- awash, at bay. Spent here in wild wondering, I am forced to spear the wicked beast... fear itself.

- I am a mass of "what if's" and wonderings; it's what I live by. Should they take those away from me, I'd be lost in And's way...

- Wanton with wait, I idle by. Slippery, slow, and sludge-driven, my heart reels in fast confusion. It asks, it shuns, it quivers with disbelief... Why should I care?? He isn't the end-all. What IS it?? Why has worry got me strung up by the furrows in my brow? :/

- Admonition is the new sour lens: viewed in daily discretion, trapped by its mental occupancy, stashed away in its idle vulgarity.

- We are all creators here. We imagine, we design, we act. Impulses move us. Vibrations confound us. Memory slices thru us like ice edging mercilessly off a jagged rooftop. Our sword is persuasive irony. Our weakness? Interior monologue, which, like paint, dries dull, as found on the forehead of some heedless home decorator. Try as we might, the power to keep those words locked within entirely eludes us. We are at the mercy of our monologue, and unfortunately for us, it rarely shows us any.

Shhhh!

QUICK!
Don't tell anyone...
I'm in it!

*GASP*

It's true!
The saddest thing I ever thought
Or knew
Would happen, HAPPENED!
(No, not loooove-
Not that at all!)
It's different...
I was sprung by a feeling of magic,
And it lifted me out of myself,
But this feeling I know isn't love at all...

No...
It's learning.
It's feeling new.
It's, "I'm only at the start, and I know what I like,
And I like what I know
About you..."

:)

I've only just begun to explore you...

No more am I looking to be heavily drowned under seaweed love,
Struggling to breathe through soaking sloppy, silk-green reeds
Of hap-hazard situations...
This time,
I've chosen a more patient route...

I will peer out over the ocean of you,
Sneaking one toe gently into the ripple of your smile,
Sifting pieces of you through the cracks of my fingers,
Assail other distractions and keep my eyes on the horizon.
For if I cannot rush something as natural as the sunrise,
Whyever should I think I could rush you?

...I accept you, Love.
You may always elude me.
In truth, your name may never make it past my lips again,
But I am content in feeling your endless possibility
Pressed up against me in shivering twilight embrace.

...

I will hold you in my head,
Til you are ready to inhabit my heart.

:)

THE MOST EPIC TALE YET!!

I am just sooo completely in love with this article. Justice, at its finest. Read on about my newfound hero, Peter Crotty.

Buffalo Wild Wings waiter thwarts dine and dash

"A waiter at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Skokie lived up to the 'wild' part of the name when he chased after three customers who tried to dine and ditch, and jumped onto their SUV and held on as they sped off.

Peter Crotty, 24, said he was working at the restaurant shortly after midnight earlier this week when the three customers walked in and ordered food. After they finished their meal, the diners dashed out the door without paying their $51 bill, Crotty said.

'The waitress … starts pointing at these guys and screaming,' he recalled.

Crotty, who ran track at Loyola Academy in Wilmette, sprinted after them, jumping onto the vehicle's running board. He said he grabbed the roof rack and held onto the rear passenger side as the SUV sped away into traffic, what might have looked like a Hollywood stunt scene to passers-by.

At one point they blew through a red light, but after going about eight blocks the driver pulled behind a building, Crotty said.

'They started getting out of the vehicle,' Crotty said. 'I was getting ready thinking they were going to fight me, so I jumped off.'

Crotty then called the police while the diners sped off again.

Lincolnwood authorities, responding to an earlier 911 call from the restaurant, spotted the SUV and pulled it over. The driver, Denorsic Conley, 18, of Chicago, was charged with battery, theft and reckless driving. Nikko Relucio, 18, and Derrick Pitts, 19, both of Chicago, were charged with battery and theft, authorities said.

'I just think if you see something wrong you should step in," Crotty said. "Nowadays no one wants to step in.'

After the incident was over, Crotty had some more running to do — back to the restaurant. 'I still had tables,' he said.

And he got a valuable tip. Police said next time a better choice would be to call 911 right away."

...Awesome...

:D

Hurray for Sick (a Sarcastic Lament)

I am squashed by sickness.
Trapped am I,
Kleenex-piled,
Juice-drowned,
Congested and pillow-bound,
Slipping into the very dark that woke me.

I wear my new fall fashion
With all the pleasure of an infant,
Squeezed into stiff baby jeans and tiny-tight tennis shoes.
...This cold looks big on me.
Give me cozy kid pajamas.
The kind with sewn-in footies
For my aching influenza toes.

SNEEZE!! goes my face,
and groannn goes my mind.
The more I grumble,
The more I find...
If sick was a person,
I would slap her in the nose
And call us even.

:P

Sometimes, I wish there was a way I could just text God... :P

Brain Freeze

My brain has been locked on this song for approximately two weeks now, so I thought it only fair that I should share it with others so I can shift it to someone else's brain :) Enjoy!

"On The Radio"
-Regina Spektor

"This is how it works:
It feels a little worse
Than when we drove our hearse
Right through that screaming crowd,
While laughing up a storm
Until we were just bone,
Until it got so warm
That none of us could sleep.
And all the styrofoam
Began to melt away.
We tried to find some worms
To aid in the decay.
But none of them were home
Inside their catacomb.
A million ancient bees
Began to sting our knees.
While we were on our knees,
Praying that disease
Would leave the ones we love
And never come again...

On the radio,
We heard November Rain.
That solo's real long,
But it's a pretty song.
We listened to it twice
'Cause the DJ was asleep...
(Bum Ba-Bum, Ba-Bum)

This is how it works:
You're young until you're not.
You love until you don't.
You try until you can't.
You laugh until you cry.
You cry until you laugh.
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath.

No, this is how it works-
You peer inside yourself.
You take the things you like,
And try to love the things you took.
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some-
Someone else's heart,
Pumpin' someone else's blood.
And walking arm in arm,
You hope it don't get harmed.
But even if it does,
You'll just do it all again.

And on the radio,
You'll hear November Rain.
That solo's awful long,
But it's a good refrain.
You listen to it twice,
'Cause the DJ is asleep.
On the radio
(oh oh oh)
On the radio
On the radio - (uh oh!)
On the radio - (uh oh!)
On the radio - (uh oh!)
On the radio..."

Let's fly to the moon, yeah? You'll be the driver. I'll bring the Vidal Sassoon. We'll laugh as we see all the people-ants ruined/ With our lunar brigade hope, we'll take them by monsoon... :)

Odd Dreaming...

You boys (with your red-mask hats)
Play hate games in my backyard on guitars,
While here I sit and mull over
My barside depression/amusement.
Am I in this band, you ask?
My answer is as murky
As the dream you came from.

Now, I sit with you
On a red barstool,
Telling knock-knock jokes
To the frogs in my head
And the Elvis impersonators
That flock to my side.
I am so utterly alone in all this...

He startles me with his protection question,
Like a horror-movie shoulder-tap.
I brace myself for the honesty,
And yet, it doesn't knock me over as I feared.
It calms me, even.
Odd...

I see the green dry-erase insults
Written in neat list format.
(You, my lawyer, would whole-heartedly approve!)
The smirking snides slide it down the bar
And into my trembling hands,
Like fire and wisdom.
I smoke it down and save three words of it
In my brain for morning remembering:
"Skank," "Bitch," and "Whore"
...
It's far more than I deserve, I suppose.
But not more than expected...

And yet...
Though this unusually clear mist surprises me,
I am not troubled.
What's done is done.
I've lied to myself,
And I've done it grandly and frequently.
I've misplaced my modesty,
And given in to maladjusted self-pursuit.
Though I did not know the outcome,
I played each game willingly.
And when the die was cast,
I cast myself off.
And every time, I sold the home team,
Not knowing fully that sooner or later,
I'd buy another...
But at what price??

(sigh)

I just wish
(With all my lovely four-year old hope)
That I could make it right.
Oh that I could take those insults,
Those teams that put their trust in me
And ended up stranded, betrayed, and abandoned-
If only I could carry them in my arms
And sit them down in front of me
And love them all the same...
And they would be at peace with me.

But I fear that war is just as inevitable
As the waking from this dream...

:/

Upsetting. Downscattering.

I am living in between ironies,
The false and the true,
The old and the zoo.
Buried deep beneath proud purple
And gold baby blue
Lies a rich, hidden lie
That I cannot escape.
It hides, it boils, it weeps
Inside of me, shattering my organs
With acid-rain tears for things I can't erase
About myself...

For I am powerless in its glory.
I am panic-stricken in its strength.
I am daily taken apart, piece by piece,
Knowing full well that I cannot remain a whole
In this place...

If I run, my legs will only take me so far
Before my prison, slithering fancy,
Grabs hold of my sandal and ever-so-slightly sucks my heel
Into hell again...

...So where in the name of hell/home am I?

This particular webcomic is fairly well-known, but I just can't help it. Gotta post this one. My life motto, you could say :)

It's a Beautiful Thing :)

Captive Audience, At Last...

Something has changed with me... something I must explore...
So I shall explore via 3am poetry. Enjoy/Disapprove at your own risk :)

Here was I!
The terrible television toddler-
With the droll drool expression
Slipping slender on my face.

I knew the gameshows and the gladiators,
The singing idols and the suitcase deals.
I'd memorized the soap opera lives I led offscreen
And kissed absent-mindedly into the moonlight hours...

And as always, when the dancing clowns would fade,
So would my hopeless heart reveal its hardened sorrow,
Clamoring for old lips and tired tomorrow...

But you...
With soft, kinetic eyes,
Have baffled me!
I know not the procedure
To your odd experiment!

You wooed me with your quick words
And I warily placed my bet...
But with gentle explanations
You boasted and broke through
My glass stereotypes!
With your stress stones and trauma humor
You left me limp and stunned.
How could I not surrender?
You won me!

Instruct me then,
(For I long to be instructed!)
In the ways of this connection.
I have no degree of knowing
How to apply your application
To my sometimes life...

So, my moonstruck dearest, stick to me!
For maybe, if you hold fast,
Your heart would seem to be
The first anchor to shore this ship
In many a tyrant sea...

:)

Nada For My Thoughts...

Song that struck me this week. As my dearest friend would say, "I've found the song that defines my life!" Well, perhaps not THAT dramatic. Nevertheless, it feels quite appropriate for now. Enjoy :)

"Inside Of Love"
-Nada Surf

"Watching terrible tv-
It kills all thought.
Getting spacier than
An astronaut.
Making out with people
I hardly know or like.
I can't believe what i do
Late at night...

I wanna know what it's like
On the inside of love
I'm standing at the gates.
I see the beauty above.
Only when we get to see
The aerial view
Will the patterns show
We'll know what to do.

I know the last page so well,
I can't see the first,
So i just don't start.
It's getting worse...

[chorus]

I can't find my way in-
I try again and again.
I'm on the outside of love,
Always under or above.
Must be a different view
To be a me with a you.
Of course i'll be alright-
I just had a bad night...
I had a bad night."

Kickass... Kickbrain. Repeat.

Does human depravity know no bounds? I often wonder. Or so I did very recently upon seeing the superhero spoof "Kickass" on Thursday night.

Going into the movie, my brain was filled with assumptions of comedic one-liners, superhuman slapstick, and teen star wannabe goofiness. I was only half right.

Along with the occasional colorful remark or two (and good, old-fashioned slapstick), the audience also witnessed about 50 people dying extremely brutal, (often senseless) and always teeth-gnashing, bloody deaths. The protagonist gets violently beaten upwards of four or five times, as do other hero sidekicks. It is assumed by this show of brutality that we are establishing the notion that "heroes saving the day" just doesn't match up to reality. Ever.

In this gospel according to Kickass, if someone is dying in the street, 99 out of 100of us will sit by and watch, rather than do anything in our power to help them. In fact, the entire city would even watch a live youtube-like broadcast of two known vigilante protectors of their streets beaten, tortured, stabbed, slit, and engulfed in flames- and do absolutely nothing about it. We are to understand that these helpless viewers are paralyzed from fear, which must (we suppose) explain why we can only sink in futility and stay tuned as human life is literally being sliced out someone...

But I should be clear. I do not disagree entirely with the message of this film. On the contrary, I find it frighteningly real. I hated this movie. Everything in my gut wanted to cry out and tear my eyes away from the screen. It sucked away nearly everything in my being that told me humanity is overall good, even at its darkest- and I deeply resented it for that. This film so affected me that on the way home I was sobbing. No joke. I was crying my eyes out in the face of our patheticism (if that even counts as a word.)

What I have to know is... why? What makes us so desensitized to such depravity? Who cares anymore whether we live or die? I've never felt so alone, sitting in that theater with those images and that screen repeating the senselessness over and over, as if it were brain-washing: "Life doesn't matter, doesn't matter, doesn't matter. We kill and we kill and we kill. Who cares?"

It was more than disturbing and unsettling. It made me physically sick to my stomach. And the weird thing was, it was a pretty decent movie in general, as movies go. I've never seen Nicholas Cage act so well, in fact. And I'm not saying it's a bad movie either. There's just more truth in it for society today that I (as an ever-optimist hopeful) find incredibly hard to swallow.

I just don't understand how we've come this far. We've let this desensitizing go wayyyyyy too far. Nothing affects us anymore. Even my own reaction to this film is sad in of itself, really. The fact that it took all that gore and violence to shake me? It's telling. I'm just as much a part of the senseless machine as we all are. Nothing sets off our alarms anymore. No one stirs when we see someone die on-screen. We step out of the theater and into the reassuring, bright light of day and tell ourselves "Ah well. It's just a movie. Great effects, dontcha think?"

So tell me. What the hell is wrong with us?? Why can't we see it??
...And that being said... am I crazy for thinking this? :/

The Nature of the Beast

...is learning to fall madly in love with the face that happens to be in front of you.

A Happier Ending?

EUREKA! ALERT THE STARS AND STARLINGS! I am content. :)

Finally, this week has been remarkedly better than the past few! Maybe it's the beautiful weather- the simple ability to finally sun myself and soak in the radiance of the day. Perhaps it's the time spent with two very wonderful, very important girl friends who remind me that I'm certainly not alone in my struggles, and that they are certainly not the end of the world.

I don't know. These past few days I have been able to breathe a little bit easier. And with Easter coming up, I'll soon have all the chocolate I can eat, and the crazy/obsessive family members I love all together in the same room (let the smackdown begin!) :D

I'm really grateful for this week, and all the people who've made it so wonderful. And I couldn't be more addicted to all this sunshine and warm weather. It gives me sooo much hope. Even though there are many things in my life that still remain muddled and confusing, from the tiresome, seemingly fruitless job search to the topsy-turvy, oddly uncertain lovelife. Still, in all these things, a little patience. A little breathing room. If I can keep my head above water, I can stay afloat.

It's like I'm standing on the edge of the pier of my life...

I'm just still a little terrified to jump.

A Tad Bit Emo...

There are so many things I want to say. So many things I should've done. I want to let these go- remain in the future- take it slow. And yet. And yet I still can't wrap my head around it. The "it" largely standing in for that which is my life. I'm not stuck in a rut. But I don't seem to be moving either. Where is my life taking me? There's another thing! My life is always dragging me by the heels! When did I lose the steering wheel? (A long time ago, it seems)

So many others seem to be running laps around me. Why can't I? Am I forever doomed to be cemented to the treadmill of life? HA! There's a sorry slice of melodrama for you!

Why is it that I must always be following someone, and not something?

(This is the part of the movie where the life-lost leading character at least is able to confide in and rely upon his or her group of near and dear friends they've had since high school or earlier.) But that's just another cruel twist for me. I've never had that, nor will I ever (or so I suspect). I think I am forever bound to a life that finds solace in only a friend or two here and there- neither of whom are guaranteed for very long. Is there something wrong with me that this happens? Am I so unlikeable? Distrustful? Excessive?

Perhaps. I don't know anymore. I can't commit to anything. Maybe it's me.

I wish I knew.

It Overtakes Me...

(...the busy-ness of my last few weeks that is)

My social calendar has decided to rear its oversized head and gobble up much of the time I had previously devoted to my internet musings as of late. Poor internet musings! You must have felt so abandoned and underappreciated! *insert sniffles and tears here* ...WELL. I'm back! (Whether that is a good thing or not remains to be seen.)

Let's see. What seemingly unimportant news in AmyLand can I relate to you now? Well, for starters, I have managed to accomplish very little on the job front (aside from getting the official "thanks but no thanks" from my hopeful employer, Philadelphia Insurance). On the flip side, I DO finally have headshots to audition with! (Well, I have the sample pages... that's sort of the same thing, right?) Ahem. Anyway, so as soon as I get those bad boys printed, I can actually go out and do some real auditioning!!! (HOORAY!)

Hmm. Yeah, that doesn't cheer me up that much. Even with the photos finally done, I'm still hung up on the job. The job that had seemed to good to be true. The job that had the boss who I had so opportunely met and hit it off with at a random job fair for. The job that I had a pretty great interview for. But alas- the job that sent me an online "personality assessment" of 200 brain-numbing questions for. Yes, that's right. "Personality assessment." This is an online database that poses the inferred question, "Are you a PH.D? Because if you're not, you certainly can't be an entry level worker for our company." Take it from me, if Ben Stein was an internet exam, this would be it- not to mention the whole thing takes about 463746 hours to complete. This "test of personality" aka "I'm not sure I like your personality...DENIED" poses such thought-provoking questions as, "Pick the quality that is most and least like you- 'I am detail-oriented,' 'I prefer working in groups,' 'I'm a team-player,' 'I pick dandelions and talk to as many orange trash can lids as I can find in a given day' ... You get the picture.

(...And yes, I'm just a teensy bit bitter.)

Taking an extremely deep breath and moving on from my personality angst, I'm trying to view this recent rejection as a positive. So what if it was a salary of $35,000 to start with? ...(Positive, silly. They want the POSITIVE.) ...Right. Well, I just don't think a job just short of telemarketing would've suited me anyway. Maybe this is the big man upstairs' way of gently saying "C'MON KID. YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT! We BOTH know you woulda been miserable with that job. Now go do something you're good at, you silly goose!" :)

...At least, I hope that's what He's saying.

Stay tuned.

A Classic Fairytale...

Once upon a time, there was an EVIL vampiress who ruled the land. Her presence was a plague upon the entire kingdom. She struck fear into the hearts of all who beheld her, and with good reason too! She had the appearance of a Napoleonic witch: the bristly black hair of a chimp, the beady eyes of a rat, and the mouth of a baying horse- with two shiny yellow fangs slicing down either side of her gums. Her favorite pastime was using those terrible teeth to sink into all the men she could find, which would then turn them into her undead prisoners. For LIFE!

...That is, for undead...life? Or something along those lines...
AHEM. Back to the story.

One night, a magical turtle came crawling into the vampiress's lair. Now, it was a known fact throughout the kingdom that the vampiress hated all animals (with the exception of bats... and hummingbirds, oddly enough...)
...So it was no surprise that, as soon as she spotted this lumbering creature, she was instantly annoyed with it, and, swooping down upon its seemingly helpless little body, she snatched up the unsuspecting turtle and instinctively bit down hard into its shell.

CRRRRRRAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK! went the two sharp fangs of Abelina Vampiress! The fangs fell from her stunned mouth and landed lightly (PLINK! PLINK! PLIIIIINKKKKK!) on the stone floor of the vampiress's underground fortress. The magical turtle (ahhh, you forgot she was magical, didn't you?) was not surprised by any of this at all, and she easily hoisted herself up from the cold fortress floor and crawled slowly to the stairs.

"FREEZE, YOU DISGUSTING CREATURE!!!!!!!!!" cried the vampiress in a wicked rage, for she knew that without her fangs, all the power she ever had would soon drain from her forever. She flew at the turtle, and drawing on the last bit of dark magic she could muster, tried to use her poisoned nails to scratch out the turtle's eyes.

Suddenly, a blue dust cloud began whirling around the two enemies. It thrust them apart, and in the blink of an eye, the turtle was transformed into a beautiful enchantress.

Walking over to the speechless vampiress, the enchantress, clad in shimmering blue and golden silk, began to chastise the evil she-creature, saying "Whomsoever has power over men shall use their power only for good. You have violated these laws of our land, and for that, you shall be punished. Your powers have all but left you now, and you are doomed to live out the rest of your... NON-eternal life as... a CAMEL!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" the vampiress screeched, but it was too late. At that very moment, her back arched into two caramel-colored humps, and in another moment, all that was left of the once-mighty vampiress were two shiny yellow fangs lying on the floor.

"Come, pack animal. You shall now live to serve others," ordered the enchantress, as she led the creature away. "MAHHHHHHHHHHHHH-UHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Abelina the now-camel moaned in reluctant obedience. Once Abelina was put to work, the enchantress freed all the men under Abelina's undead curse (which also happened to include the enchantress's own lover, the gentle Sir Roderick of Haliburton).

Never again was the kingdom tormented by this darkness. And as most stories like this often do, everyone lived happily ever after. Well, almost everyone...

"MAHHHHHHHHHHHH-UHHHHHHHHHH!"

;)

The End.

Oh, the joys of the internet...

Poking around the internet can lead to some strange discoveries. It can also make you pee your pants. The following images were found on one of my favorite go-to comedy sites, Collegehumor.com. They are a bit scandalous, but (to the internet-savvy adult) very very funny. Enjoy!

Just Poking Around...

Warm fuzzy slippers and hot cocoa for the believer. That's how this article makes me feel (in a sciencey kind of way). I stumbled on an abridged form of this piece about two months ago and recently rediscovered it online. It concerns the drastic debate on the subject "is there life after death?" (one of the top not-so-appreciated topics for civil dinner conversation). Usually, I find that most atheists and non-believers have the upper hand on the intellectual side of this argument, and I give them tons of credit for their superb scientific criticism. However, in light of approaching the believer's perspective, I found that D'Souza puts up quite an eloquent, intelligent fight for the highly criticized afterlife hopeful. While quite obviously D'Souza's own bias shows through, the arguments presented encourage both sides to take a closer look at perhaps "the brighter side of things." Feel free to smile/scoff as you please! Happy reading!

***********************************************************************

Life after death: What does the evidence show?
Friday, January 1, 2010
BY DINESH D'SOUZA

IS THERE life after death? I don't think there is a thoughtful person alive, whether believer, atheist or seeker, who hasn't pondered that question.

For me, the question seriously arose a few years ago when my dad died. And then a year ago my best friend was diagnosed with cancer. "What I have learned from this," he told me, "is that the apparent normalcy of our everyday lives is a sham." To him and others, death is the great wrecking ball rolling down the corridor, threatening to wreck all our past accomplishments, present projects and future plans.

It seems impossible to figure out what comes after death, since none of us can return from the other side of that curtain, nor can we interview those who have already died.

Yet belief in life after death is both timeless and global. Almost every culture believes in an afterlife. Belief in life after death runs especially high in non-Western countries, but even in America it runs as high as 75 percent. Only in parts of Asia and Europe is belief in an afterlife an uncommon view.

Atheists who deny both God and an afterlife may be vastly outnumbered, but they think they occupy the intellectual high ground on this question. That's because religious believers typically affirm the afterlife on the basis of faith, while atheists regard themselves as denying it on the basis of science and reason.


Reasons for believing

Setting aside religious convictions, what does reason alone say about life after death? That's the question I sought to answer in my latest book "Life After Death: The Evidence."

I began by leveling the playing field between atheists and believers. Sure, the believer hasn't been to the other side or questioned any dead people, but the atheist hasn't either. So what information does the atheist have that the believer doesn't? None. The absence of proof is not proof of absence, so the atheist's denial of life after death, like the believer's affirmation of it, is ultimately a faith-based position.

The evidence that does exist mostly cuts the other way. Consider the only empirical evidence we have, which is near-death experiences. In these cases, patients were clinically dead; their hearts stopped. Yet tens of thousands of such people around the world report that consciousness and experience continued even when their body ceased functioning.

From a scholarly compendium of articles on the subject, "The Near-Death Experience: A Reader," edited by Lee Bailey and Jenny Yates, we discover that these accounts are remarkably similar. Subjects report being drawn through a tunnel and seeing a bright light. They often experience their whole lives flash before them, what scholars term the "life review." In many cases, they encounter deceased relatives and friends. Frequently they are in a presence of a celestial being.

When near-death experiences were first re-ported by Raymond Moody in the 1970s, they were written off as anecdotal and unverifiable. But now these experiences are so widespread from across cultures that they cannot be easily dismissed, and there is a whole body of scholarship devoted to studying how they come about and what they mean.

Alarmed by the obvious implication of near-death experiences, atheists have been laboring assiduously to explain them away. Today, the best atheist explanation is that near-death experiences are the result of a dying brain. When the brain irreversibly breaks down, psychologist Susan Blackmore contends, it generates special effects that closely track the near-death experience.

There are several problems with this theory, but one fatal one is that many survivors of clinical death are now going to work, looking after their families and functioning just fine. So much for an "irreversible" breakdown.

In my research I also explored evidence from physics, biology and brain science to see if life after death is consistent with or even corroborated by these fields of study.


Insights from physics

Consider the evidence from physics. For the Christian conception of life after death to be viable, there have to be realms beyond the physical universe that are quite literally outside space and time. This is what the Christian concept of "eternity" means. God is eternal and heaven is his eternal realm. But in Newtonian physics these concepts made no sense, because time was presumed to extend indefinitely into the past and the future, and space was presumed to stretch unendingly in all directions.

Today, however, you just have to wander into an introductory college science class to see how 21st-century physics has greatly widened our horizons. Today scientists routinely speak of hidden dimensions, multiple realms and even multiple universes. What do we know about multiple universes? Not a lot, but we know that if they do exist they would have laws radically different from those in our universe.

One of the direct implications of the Big Bang is that not only did the physical universe have a beginning, but space and time also had a beginning. Space and time are properties of our universe. This means that in realms beyond our universe, if such realms exist, there might be no space and no time. Suddenly the Christian idea of eternity is rendered intelligible.

In considering the question of life after death, I moved from why it's possible to why it's probable to why we should embrace the idea. Since we are dealing with a future event, I acknowledge that we cannot have certainty. I don't claim to prove my case beyond a reasonable doubt, but I do claim to prove it by a preponderance of the evidence. In the end, we have to resolve this residual uncertainty by asking a practical question: "Is it good for me to believe?"

For me, the clear answer is yes. If there is no life after death, we are like passengers on the Titanic: We can rearrange the deck chairs and turn up the music, but we are ultimately doomed. By contrast, if there is life after death, we can face death with serenity, viewing it is a gateway to another life. Also we have reason to hope that good will eventually be rewarded and evil held accountable. Moreover, recognizing that our terrestrial existence is part of a larger drama, we can forge a sense of lasting purpose in our lives. So not only is belief in an afterlife reasonable, it is also good for us.

Aaaand That Should Catch Us Up To Today!

I AM VICTORIOUS! :D

TODAY, my house relented, and in turn, we FINALLY received the internet. So, this goes out to my meek little desktop...

Dear Dell,

I heart you sooooo much. I will follow through on our bargain. Promise.

Love,
KMonster

PS- Your blinky "Yes! You ARE connected to the internet!" lights really make me happy.

Just A Few Days Ago...

What’s My Age Again? (aka Chapter 23)

Today I discovered something. That is, that I am going nowhere… really REALLY fast. Like beam-me-up-Scottie, ultimate-antithesis-of-the-Comcast-tortoises-commercial, lightning-shooting-out-your-fingertips (“Woah woah woah! Where did all this lightning come from and why is it shooting out my fingertips??”) … fast.

Speaking of high-speed internet, we have none so far. I was under the unique impression my family was finally stepping into the 90s today by having wireless internet installed in the house. Not so. Though I can say the parents made a concerted effort to do just that. We called to have the internet installed and a nice man from AT&Total Nincompoop came over to assist us this morning. As it just so happens to turn out, our house apparently has some sort of “airborne allergy” to the new intruder (we’ll call it INTERNET). We had this explained to us by the learned technicians (who spent hours fiddling around in their big white trucks or stomping around the yard looking important) as a “weird splicing in the cable-thingy that’s supposedta connect you guyses house to duh net.” Bloody brilliant. I knew it was too good to be true. It figures. My entire house is rebelling against technology. “C’mon, House. This’ll be nice and easy. Just let the cable do the work and we’ll pretend it’s just another phone line… What’s that, House? …You don’t have a working phone line anymore? Mother had it cut off months ago? [rumples in defeat, Kermit the Frog-style]

…I’m at a loss. But I shoulda known SHE’D be in on it too. [sigh] OHHH THE HUMANITY!

…Even so, House. Let’s make a deal! You OK the internet, and in return, we’ll give you… LOVE! :D

…Hmm. No dice, eh? Heard that one before, I assume? …Damn… Alright. How about… a remodeled bathroom and some new paint? …DAMN! I thought I had it hook-line-and sinker there. OK. What DO you want? … [GASP!] …But!…I!…Oh alright. Deal.

…What? You were expecting me to tell you the intimate details of the deal between me and my house? Get outta here! Just trust me. Within a week, we’ll have the internet at long last. Mark my words.
(Damn, she drives a hard bargain…) :P

Let's Skip Ahead A Bit, Shall We?

Ch. 18
January-ish 2010

Dear Computer,

If you could send me a hundred job opportunities within 30 miles of this place, all of which that apply to my specific talents and abilities, I would be most appreciative.

Most appreciatively,
Your Owner

Chapter 14: You Were Expecting Something Fancier?

“I’d like to make myself believe that planet Earth turns slowly. It’s hard to say that I’d rather stay awake when I’m asleep, cuz everything is never as it seems...”

Giggle in your head. Do it! It feels absolutely wonderful. Do it with careful, passionate practice. Kick off your shoes and hit a squirrel between the eyes. It’ll go nuts, I assure you. Dance under your seatbelt, flip over a rock and call heads or tails. You’ll always win. Do it with love in your heart and a song on your lips. Shake the dust off your brain and pick out the mental seeds that stub your teeth. Don’t pick the cantaloupe out of someone else’s molars until you get the watermelon out of your own…

**It’s sparky, you and I. We’re lucky we’re not electricity. Then we’d REALLY have to watch it.**

Capture a thousand pieces of laughter in a jar, and you could easily create the most musical symphony ever heard by human ears…

I want to be that so badly- a light, a laugh for the whole world. I want to be the smile on your face, the warmth in your heart, the nostalgia in your nostrils… If I could be a pillow to every tired head in the world, I would. If I could be a hug to every person who needed it, I would. If I could be the song that saved someone’s life, I would sing out forever and ever as long as my lungs could churn out the tune. No more an angry hippopotamus of the deep. I want to be the monkey in your wrench, the milk out your nose, the tickle in your gut. I want to make all the goofy faces that ever made anyone laugh out loud, long before the internet did. I want that. And I want to know how.

When I hear a bit of mellow music, I pause and reflect on what I’ve done, what I regret, what I’m happy about, what troubles me, what encourages me, what gives and takes away my hope. It is a complicated scene of rigid irony and conflicted interest. But it sure is interesting. Well, to me that is.

“She says, ‘You’re a masochist for falling for me. So roll up your sleeves…’”

Again, With The Backtracking?

13 Dead End Driveway

*Things That I Find Annoying

Getting Sand in Places Sand Does Not Belong
Blinkers Left On For Minutes or Miles Past Their Appropriateness
Arrogance
Bros, Jocks, and the Kinds of Girls Who Flock to Bros/Jocks
Laughter at My Expense
Math
Seafood
Lack of Intelligence
Txt Abbrvs (especially the overuse of “lol”)
Ppl Who Cannt Spel Good/Grammer. Phailures
Having Dog Fur Scent On My Hand
Screamo
People Who Have Absolutely No Appreciation For Kids/Kid Stuff

…

“You look so defeated, lying there in your new twin sized bed…”

**sigh**
That’s it. I’m getting me to a nunnery :P

Third Verse, Same As the First... :P

(aka Chapter 12)

You know, falling into anything is usually pretty dangerous. Especially sandpaper. Ouch.

But feathers. Now that’s an entirely different story. I mean, who doesn’t wanna fall into feathers? Or Jello? Or kisses?
…I suppose it’s all how you look at it. And maybe it depends on if you like falling in the first place. Are you a limit-testing skydiver? Or a persnickety invalid? This could affect your falling enjoyment enormously. As for me, I don’t prescribe to either label. Yet, I’m more the cautious, tiptoe-into-the-water kind of girl, rather than the reckless cannon-baller. Or so it seems. …I can’t believe I just took the liberty of using “baller” in my ramblings. That’s AWESOME. **grins proudly** “Sometimes, just sometimes, I think they should call me “clever [amy].” :D

…I wish there was some method to this madness. I am, of course, referring to love. I wish I better understood myself, my feelings. Because I feel like I’m sending myself mixed signals. It’s very frustrating. I’m a very frustrating girl, I believe. Shall I ever be content? Will I ever find the one person I want to settle with? Also, why do we call it settling, when the double meaning of “settling” is of course somewhat insulting if used to refer to our future partner? Think about it. You say, “Oh, this is John. We’re settling down together.” Cute. However, when used in another way… “Oh, this is John. We’re settling.” …Hmm… slightly worrisome. I can picture Mom and Dad on the other side of this table a bit concerned for their little girl’s future with this man. “But sweetheart! Whyever would you feel you have to settle, darling?” The words down and together, then, must be vital here. It’s the difference between a partner for life and a partner for now.

Well then. I suppose I would be remiss in not telling you about this fantastic friend I have. But perhaps I won’t. Stories always get complicated when you throw friends into the mix (no offense friends). Oh, what the heck… Ever have that moment when you realize that one of the people that you have become close with actually was just maybe the person you were meant to be with? …Hmm. Me neither.

Chapter 11- Still December 2009ish

For a brief instance, I see my life passing before my eyes like glass through an accident victim. Then again, it’s only my phone. I swear I live and die by that stupid, cracked, old thing. I jump when I get a text message. No, literally. In the air. Michael Jordan-style. (And no, that expression will NEVER go out. I don’t care if Michael Jordan is now old and fat. He was and always will be a legend of the 90s I knew and loved. So there.) I just can’t seem to get past this dying desire to have a social network. And right now, living at home, my phone’s about the only thing I have to link me to anyyyone outside of these sleepy suburbs. And close to my age, for crying out loud. Ugh. I need to get outta here. Like Jason Bateman needed to get away from his crazy development. Or arrested family. Whatever. **sigh** …Another thing. I hate that I have to type actions in double stars. Did you know that? Apparently Microsoft Word automatically bolds something you put in stars. This was something I was unused to. In texting, I use this coy little device fairly often to express my emotions, like “How are you, honey? **snuggle**” and so on. And I’ve never experienced any weird hitches like that til now. Huh. **sits back in arrogant frustration and contempt** …Stupid Dell. How dare you ruin my cyber-actions fun. Though I’m sure if I was a computer whiz I’d figure out how to turn that little automatic switcheroo to Off. But, as I’m sure you’ve guessed by now, I’m no computer whiz. I’m not a whiz period. Whizzes are for wusses. So there.

I love my ingenious lame-ness. It suits me, don’t you think?

Sheesh. What an ego…

Backtracking... The Second

Chapter 10 Installment

Decemberish 2009

Today I met the most BEAUTIFUL check-out man in the whole wide world. You think I’m kidding. Not so. I’m certain of it. His big bubbly blue eyes coy and comical as he heckled me for buying the 2 dollar bottle of red wine (which was really for my mother, if he MUST know). Yes, I know check-out man. You instantly love me too. And oh, how perfectly green our organic-foods life shall be together. In a moment, I could see it all. The matching Hawaiian shirts we wear as we peruse the whole-grain rice cereals hand-in-hand. Our children’s ocean-colored eyes only matched by the dye in our water-saving toilets. We’ll cozy up to a little cardboard fireplace in our downtown high-rise apartment, and life will be produce-perfect…

For once, I gag myself on my own punny-ness. But it’s ok. Cuz it really did happen. And no I didn’t have the guts to stay and see if I could get his number but that’s because I’m afraid to come off like a stalker. And trust me. NOBODY likes to come off as a stalker. Especially when you’re trying your damndest to give off the impression that you sooooo have it going on, cool cucumber-style (no pun intended actually, mr. ideal groceries man)

God bless America I’m cold. And not “oh geez it’s a little cold.” No like honest-to-goodness I’m-Stuck-In-A-Frickin’-Snowstorm-In-Antarctica kind of cold. I must have the WORST circulation known to man. Er wo-man, I guess. Ugh. I swear my mother has GOT to be menopausal. Or pre-menopausal. Peri-menopausal? …Ahem. EITHER way, that leaves me stuck with freezing temperatures and fingers I can’t feel anymore as I type. And toes? HA! What are those? …oh dear I’m rhyming. Unintended rhyming is the WORST, too. COMPOSE THYSELF, DETTMANN! (ahem) …hahahahahahaha! Punny, punny! J

I think I am going to use that as a chapter title. “COMPOSE THYSELF, DETTMANN!” It is literally what I’m doing! Hehe! Though me typing that realization is like hitting my poor reader over the head with it. Like right out of Monty Python’s Holy Grail. “GET ON WITH IT!” We get the joke. MOVE ON.

Anyway, here I am. Sitting here. Wrapped in my gray hoodie, wishing I had a thermal suit on, while my younger sister sweats to death. Is there such a thing as pre-PRE-menopausal? She’s got it. Either that, or she and my mother are in league with each other. Like, “Wonder how long before we drive her to utter ice-cubery? Let’s find out!” Yeah, well… NOT FUNNY, FAMILY! I DON’T LIKE IT WHEN YOU TURN ME INTO ICE-CUBERY! (…thanks, Dane) :P
Ahem. I think I’m changing my middle name. To Cornball. Amy Cornball Dettmann. It is fitting, wouldn’t you say? You’ve heard of Andrew Cornwall Jackson. Well here comes ACD, ready for action! …oh dear. I “C” I’ve really got something there. Rock on. ;)

Backtracking...

I think this is a good place to pick up. The eighth installment from my Word Document Book.


October 2009..ish

I think that’s just about the prettiest lyric I’ve heard all day. “I fell in love when you were brushing your teeth over my kitchen sink.” God, I wish I could write lyrics like that. I could make a fortune! (Well, then again this band isn’t really making a fortune. They’re pretty local and just barely making it… Maybe I wouldn’t make a fortune. But it sure would be gratifying.) Or maybe I just want to feel like that someday…

Falling in love. Hmm. What exactly does it take to “fall in love”? Does someone have to push you over a cliff? I’m sure that for some people it must feel exactly like that. Let’s examine this cliché turn of phrase, shall we? To “fall in love.” In the first place, if we are to take the “falling in” part literally, love must be something that can hold or contain you, obviously. Or at the very least, it must be able to absorb you…

Ok that word just looks WRONG. Spelled wrong, I mean. You know the feeling. You write or type something. You pause and stare at the screen for approximately 6 seconds, your mouse hungrily hovering over the word in question. And then it hits you. This word is 100% grammatically/spelling-ly correct, but for whatever reason it just looks wrong. You get very frustrated with this word and begin talking to it. “Why do you look so wrong?” “Who decided you get spelled THAT way?”

… I digress. Ahem. **jumps back on the thought train** Falling in love. Point 2: It also must not be something you’re bumping against or colliding with. Otherwise you’d say “I’ve fallen on love.” Like you were dropped out of the skyscraper window and by some lucky chance landed in a barrel of donuts. Or, “I was walking down the street, texting on my SuperBananaTechno O-Phone and I looked up too late and tripped on a manhole cover and collided with a featherbed mattress.” No. Not like that. Hence, you fall IN love. Sooo… what does love feel like then? Cushion-y? Sharp? Like kissing baby bunny rabbits? I dunno. The world DEMANDS answers! :P
Point 3: Does love have any control of who falls or how? Does it wrap itself around your ankles and pull you in, like an Atlantic wave? Does it like sneaking up behind you, breathing on your neck, suffocating you like a ski-masked thief? Point 4: …Is it ever going to sneak up on me?

Blogger: n. A human who feels compelled to share seemingly mundane thoughts with the vastly indifferent internet community

So, I have a whole bunch of material I've been journaling about for a long time now (a year is a long time, right?) I might just let you see it. Maybe.

...

Oh, alright. You convinced me. I shall copy/paste some tidbits. For your entertainment. Or your indifference, if you prefer.

;)

A Blanket With Sleeves? The Intro

Let me start from the beginning...
which means I'll have to go back a long, long way...

*cues Star Wars theme*

First of all, I'd like to clarify that I don't own a snuggie. Never did, never will. But I am most definitely pro-anything comfy. So grab your nearest plush, cuddly object and hug it close. Cuz here we go.

This little blog is just for me. Me, the KateMonster. The girl with a hundred nicknames that would take a hundred more stories to tell where they all came from. Thankfully, this blog won't cover that material.

Nope. It's more like a never-ending word document of my life. Maybe, you'll find it interesting. Or boring. Or chuckle-worthy. But here it is, anyway. The sometimes ranting, sometimes goofy, sometimes trying-too-hard-to-be-witty... me.