Reflections In My Window Pane are Re-directing Heartbeats

I miss lightning bug nights...
The ones that crawled up and down my arms,
Harmlessly inching, yawning, blinking at me,
When "I am not afraid of you,"
Was all I thought and smiled to myself.
And now...
I slide them away
With tears forming in my eyes
(From the oscillating fan, of course.
Not from the remorse)...

I am not satisfied with any of it...
I am not content with mock-me.
I am soured with all the courtesy and graciousness,
Sucked of all patience with those who plead with me
For another chance at a slice of my cherry-dripping heart.
IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK. OR WANT.
Don't ask me how or why.
I know. Only I CAN know.
So just leave it where you found it.
For God's SAKE,
Let me just sit in undisturbed peace
On a table
As one whole, untouched piece
For just ONCE in my life...
PLEASE.

...

So I stay stuck in my swivel chair of life,
Swirling constantly to keep from (God forbid)
The arrest of any actual culpability for anything,
Which, upon stopping me dead in my dizzyness and closed eyes,
Would hurl me instead onto a carpet of hell and flat reality...

What an interesting way life has of
Boring ever-hazardously
Into my wrought-iron heart of superficiality.

Old Stufff...

Midnight ramblings I've been meaning to post. Getting around to it now :P

"We all spend half our time
In the trenches of honeysuckle heartache,
Wiping the sweet watermelon want from our lips
Like a five year old at a summer picnic.
We scowl at the hand of fate,
So tenderly attempting its sad try
At washing our face clean of its juicy power,
Only to be spurned again
As we turn our already-checkered mouth
Back to that red-dripping fruit of desire."

********************************************

"The old game gets kicked aside
By sand-drenched toes and broken bones
Used by the feeble-hearted fool like me,
Who (never finding a real love to speak of,
Let alone work for)
Doggedly, begrudgingly trudges on with her assigned partner,
Feeling already a prisoner
Of her own mental heart."

********************************************

"'Words words words.'
Your words, like fools drooling,
Raid softly upon my assailed eardrums
And plead loquaciously for help.
They lack a certain air of empathy,
And without it,
I am no less inclined to believe their story
Than I am to believe in the ramblings
Of idle atheists' spew...

It is sad, in fact, that those words
(While intended smooth and seductive)
Actually make me smile patiently
But pity the teller.
Their effect on me is dull and void.
And I grow ever the more weary
That I shall die searching for the one
Who leaves me passionately speechless..."